Nineteen

He was a random guy I asked for directions. He said this was the right place. He was a bit disoriented after probably hours of waiting for auditionees to come. He showed me the way. After the auditions, I left the theater.

A few weeks later, I passed the auditions and came to the workshops. He was one of the trainers. His black lightly curly hair was a big mess. His aura shrouded with something curious. He was a bit short. He wore a pink shirt and shorts like he lived there. His voice was a bit high-pitched than I expected it to be.

He was one of the few that stood out among the many people. His smile said something different from the rest. 

I saw him often, almost everyday since. He was so animated whenever he had the chance to be. He was always singing songs out of a musical very few people (who are into those apparently famous musicals) know. He kept trying on those high notes and didn't give a damn of the people listening. 

He caught us having dinner one time. Told us to go home. Instead, he was dragged into a chat. Then that became a thing. Every night, we would have dinner in many different places, as the adventurous freshies that we are, and he would always find us as the very experienced senior that he is. Every after workshop, he would join us. Sometimes to eat, sometimes just to chat. And every after dinner, he would look after and make sure we would go home. Every last one of us.

And I was always the last one.

He would tell many kinds of stories. About theater, about politics, about his life. They were more of rants than actual storytelling. And I was always there to listen. And since I was the last to go home, I got to hear them all. He was a very talkative person. And being the reserved person that I am, I just sat down and listened. 

Until one day, he had nothing new to talk about. His attention turned to me.

Late nights talks at convenient stores; impulsive trips to far away places with barely enough money; question and anwer sessions about each other under the dark sky in a city park; long chats over the phone and a series of clingy platonic hugs.

It all went by so fast.

In denial, I said to myself "what is happening?". I kept telling myself I have no idea what was going on even if its happening right in front of my eyes. "Why him?" I battered with myself. "Am I really..?" I asked myself, still rejecting the idea of having a crush as if it was impossible.

He was sweet, and funny, and was wild and brainy. A time with his company is as animated as he is. For me, he was still a mystery to solve even if he talks like an open book. He saw things in me that I myself deny they exist. (Intelligence and Beauty). He says his very sharp on people who has feelings for someone, but was still a little dim because I was right under his nose and he never figured out that I liked him. He said he would never hold hands with just anybody, but the first time he held mine was like a reflex. 

He said "I love you". He said he was sure. He told me those 3 words everytime he had the chance to. 

A month later, I said "I love you too".

That was 19 months ago.

~O~

Happy Monthsary!

Sincerely,

Your smol bean.

WHITE DRESS

DREAM LOG 003 - Sometime in 2017

 

...

I was lying on the floor. The people around me wearing white were sitting on the floor hugging their knees. I sat up to a similar position and noticed I was wearing a white cocktail dress. The place was brightly lit, but the windows show a dark night. It looked like I was in a cruise ship.

A guy, I don’t know who but looks familiar, was calling out my name looking for me through the crowd. By instinct, I stood up to catch his attention, and I even raised my hand to confirm to him that I was the person he was looking for. We met gazes and he only smiled at me. He turned to the direction of a slightly elevated space that looks like a stage. There stood people in white, positioned in a formation that looked like a church choir. I turned my focus on them.

There was something peculiar. A dark figure was hiding behind the choir as they were singing. It was as if he was trying to duck and hide from sight but his tallness just didn’t allow him.

Then, as the choir continued to sing, they broke their formation in half, as if they were a white wall breaking in half and opening like a gate. They revealed the man behind them.

He was wearing black all over. His hair was shaggy as ever. His glasses shined in the light. He beamed a warm smile at me that invited me to come closer to him.

Facing each other, both his hands were holding mine. His eyes focused on me. Both our eyes seemed to be teary. He uttered words of love that I have longed for so long to hear. I replied with the same words of love that I only dreamed of saying, here in front of our family and peers, on a white dress and him in a black suit.

It was the most beautiful moment, full of love and happiness. It was something out of a dream.

And it really was just a dream.

 

~O~

 

This was an old dream. But I could still remember it in great detail.

It wasn’t premonition, but a bittersweet and pitiful fantasy.

Because that man in the dream,

never chose me in real life.

MONSTER

DISCLAIMER

THIS SPECIFIC POST IS RATED M FOR MATURE. IT MAY CONTAIN SENSITIVE CONTENT THAT IS NOT SUITABLE FOR AGES BELOW 18. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

 

~O~

DREAM LOG 002 - May 2020 

...

I was chosen.

In this small town, there is a vague tradition of choosing a virgin in her prime to place as sacrifice whenever the demon arrives.

I was stripped off of all clothes and was lying naked on a pile of bed sheets in the middle of what looks like a gazebo. This is where the maidens are to wait for the demon to fornicate on them.

The sky was glowing blood red. I saw the demon drawing near. It was gooey mass that took the shape of a man. It had no face but its limbs found its way to my skin, caressing it roughly and sliding all around my body. Its hands groped my bosom tightly. When a moan escaped my mouth, the demon sucked on my lips.

I felt no fear, only pleasure. Every lick from my body drives its manhood erect. Even if I knew that my eventual death is near, I welcomed it wide open.

The demon penetrated me, despite my slippery insides, it was doing me roughly. The demon sucked on my nipples as if sucking my entire being from it. I fell for every touch, every squeeze, every pull on my hair, and every lick in my ears. The friction was gaining heat, it made us both more erotic than ever. It took great pleasure from me as I did from it. My arms were wrapped around its neck as it was on top of me, thrusting forward repeatedly. Until it had finally seeded inside me.

Its head fell on my chest and its arms crawled under my back. My arms still wrapped around it. For a moment I forgot it was a monster resting atop of me. Its head nested on my neck and planted pecks on it, before sliding down between my legs.

My cradle was forming a fetus inside it. Suddenly my stomach inflated like a balloon. In an instant, a sharp pain went over me as I gave birth to the demon’s offspring.

It was a small bundle of black mass just like the demon, with patches of human flesh. I saw it breath for a second, before the demon devoured it in one gulp.

It was at this point I knew I was next to be eaten. For this was the tradition. The demon devours its offspring first, before eating its maiden.

I looked at the demon as it swallowed the child whole before looking away and closing my eyes. I only wished it was not as painful as it looks.

I waited to be enveloped by his mouth, or a sharp pain from a bite. But nothing happened.

The demon kept on sniffing me. It seemed to be disgusted of my scent. The demon ran off and left me in the sheets.

 

~O~

 

Now, just remember this is a dream. Some details are added for artistic purposes. The dream was longer and more convoluted but I had poor memory of it because, ya know, it’s a dream.

I’m not afraid of sharing a bit of smutty dreams. But this is a fair warning for future smut content.

These are for mature weirdos ONLY.

QUARANTHINGS

DREAM LOG 001 - April 2020

... 

The long quarantine was over. Time to head back to our dorms in Manila.

It was a dark night. It would have been pitch black if it weren’t for the fluorescent light post illuminating the street of Hippodromo. I was with my boyfriend and our hands were intertwined.

From his dorm, we were on the way to mine. Crossing the street, we were about to take the middle path which we always take when going to Teresa St. A dark figure of a man was ahead of us and also one behind us. As I was walking, my boyfriend was slowing down, as if very cautious and suspicious of the path we were about to take. I pulled him to walk the same pace as me, but to no avail.

In the path, there was a sign blocking most of the way, but people could still walk pass it. It said “QUARANTINED” in big red font. If it hadn’t for the man that was ahead of us who had just passed by the sign, I would have taken another route.

Finally reaching the path, I was able to see through it, for a second. It was empty of people. The same houses and structures could be seen. But as that second passed, everything went black after a loud gunshot. I was shot in the head.

I felt my hand had let go of his. I was still conscious of my surroundings. I heard another gunshot and his body fell to the ground. He was shot dead too.

I knew I was dying. I could no longer see, yet I still know what was going on, but it won’t be like that for long. All I wanted was to be able to move to my boyfriend’s side, or at least hold his hand again before I lose the last strand of consciousness.

But I couldn’t move my body.

I died.

 

~O~

A dream that literally woke me up. I can only imagine what it is like for those victims of extra judicial killings. So innocent, then suddenly gone just like that. And left forgotten as the officer who fired said "it was an accident". 

Justice for the innocent!

An Open Letter to my Future Gay Husband

My Love,

 

    All these years we’ve been through, I have loved everything about you. We’ve had each other in our best and worst. I wouldn’t have married you in the first place if I had any reservations. Marriage was the next big adventure, and I wouldn’t take it with anyone else but with you. I gladly and courageously face the uncertainties of this path with your hand intertwined to mine.

    

    And along the way to forever, we discover more of ourselves and each other. Things that we might not think was possible in our age, like finding oneself their real gender identity. If ever you discover your truest self during our marriage, please, never be afraid to show it to me, your wife.

    

    Don’t be afraid that I might not accept you, because I will. Nothing will have changed, because my love for you is the safest place where you can express your true colors. Let me remind you again the vows we made in the altar that I love you, and I will always do. For richer or for poor, through sickness and in health, for whatever you are and what you will become, I will love you, and only you. If ever, that after your discovery, you still find yourself in love with me, our relationship will only grow stronger. I still love you, the old, the new and everything in between. If we already have kids by then, I’m sure they will understand and support you. You will never ever pretend or hide away.

 

    But if ever in this discovery, you found that you have fallen out of love for me, that you no longer find our intimate moments right to you, its okay. All I ask is that you be honest with me

    

    Tell me everything in all honesty. Look into my eyes, and tell me you no longer love me because you are attracted to different people that I cannot simply pretend to be, that you have found someone who has given you happiness that I cannot simply provide. Tell it to me straight and tell it to me now, because its okay. There will be no anger. Just sadness. And even if it kills me, the greatest love I can give you is setting you free

    Letting you go will not be easy. For as long as I can remember, I could never imagine life without you. But when this happens, I really have to. If cutting the chains means giving you the freedom of finding yourself and be truly in love with someone that brings out the truest of you, I shall do it without hesitation. But nonetheless, I intend to keep my promise to God to love you forever, even if you no longer are in my arms until forever ends.

 

    When you finally leave, I will ask you to hug me one last time. Knowing it will be the last, my face will be filled with tears. It is merely the sorrow of parting with the person you love. I ask you not to be guilty. I will be okay.

 But whatever happens, you will always have my love and full support.

You will always have me.

 

Best wishes to the new found you.

 

Sincerely,

Your wife

 

 ~O~

A letter of love, inspired by the movie “Ang Dalawang Mrs. Reyes”.

Love is beautiful. It knows no bounds.